Author's note: I know that the following topic in the poem is very unlikely to happen in real life, but it's just something I'm experimenting with. I hope you enjoy it!
The prototype of applegale-part one
Hello. My name is Victoria Vanderbliut, one of the defective girls of a town called Applegale. Now, if you took a look at me right as I'm writing this, you would probably think I'm a average looking girl, with a curvy body, curly brown hair and almond shaped brown eyes like my beautiful mother. Only my mother is thin and her hair is pin straight. However, in the town that I used to live in, Below average is taboo. Average isn't good enough. In order to survive in this demented town, you had to be perfect. It was the way of life.
Now, to others, Applegale might appear to be a beautiful wealthty suburban town. The streets are lined with beautiful and lush emerald trees, and the air is filled with the beautiful perfume of apple blossoms.The houses are exquistive and beautifully crafted victorian mansions, surrounded with beautifully landscaped lawns. And the people, are so perfect and pristine as well, from their attitudes to their apperances. A smile is always planted on their beautiful faces, no matter how they feel inside. You'll never see a down face in Applegale, you will only see happy and blissful faces strutting around the neighborhood with their flawlessly sculpted bodies.
But don't let the outside appearance of Applegate fool you. Eventhough they appear perfect, they are posioned and brainwashed in the inside. They will do everything to appear perfect to the society, to keep up their appearances and to have everyone and even the surroundings to look as perfect as possible- no matter what. They continue to be as wealthty as possible, to continue to have everything their heart desires. Also, they continue to be as beautiful as possible, to spend 3 hours everysingle day working out in the gym, and to correct any grosteque flaws by making a visit to their beloved plastic surgeon. And most of all, each family in Applegale mold themselves and give up their individuality in order to sculpt themselves into a prototype of Applegale. The men are the ones who earn the riches, while they run their household in their god like stature, the housewifes only have to be as beautiful, frail, and pristine as possible and help raise the children to conform into the society-if they have any. And the children supposed to be perfect, well mannered and intelligent people who must conform into the Applegale's ways.
And for anyone who doesn't meet the requirements of perfection in Applegale, they are either alienated, secretly ridiculed, or made perfect by countless bottles of cosmetics and/or plastic surgery. Some, however, were even killed in result of being defective, from being drowned in Crystal lake, to complications in result of being under the knife of the process of being the prototypes of perfection. Some even commited sudicide, because they couldn't take the society of Applegale so much longer. But people from the outside world never knew about any of the towns inperfections, due to bribery. Most citizens in Applegale were multi millionares, so they gave a large fourtune to keep the grieving family and the police force quiet. Most of the time, they gave in to the large pile of money and never spoke another word about it. Applegale was a unofficial dictatorship, with most of the citizens being the dictator to theirselves.
But, I was lucky for only being alienated, instead of killed from my fellow neighbors. When I was born, I was a very beautiful baby, always adored by others. But as I got older, my deformity began to settle into my skin. I was cursed by discoloration as a large spot stood out in on the side of my face. My parents, ashamed and embarrassed by having to deal with a deformed child, immediately took me to get it fixed. But after the plastic surgeon practically laughed in my parent's face and told me that a 7 year old was way too young to go under the knife, they gave up their plans to cancel out my flaws.Well almost, at least.
Right after we came from the plastic surgeon's office, I can remember that whole scene while I was in the car with my parents. I can remember the atmosphere. It was so thick with tension, that I could barely breathe. Then, I can vividly remember my mother ask my father,
"James. Can we please go to the mall right now? It's important."
He replied, "Alice, I don't see why not. But don't take long. I have a meeting at 4."
So we pulled up to the mall's parking lot. Personally, I never was so fond of going to the mall, so normally, I always stayed in the car with my dad.
But then, my mother demanded, "Victoria. Please get out out of the car. You're going with me today."
"But I don't want to go mom!", I replied, as tears started to caress my eyes.
"Now!" She ordered.
So Then I climbed out of the car with my mother, as she grabbed my hand. At first, I was very oblivious of the reason why she was taking me to the mall with her when she already knew that I hated it. Then suddenly, the reason washed over me and consumed me like a giant wave.
We walked all through the mall, through perfect familes with their children who stared at the side of my face, groups of teenagers whispered and giggled to each other and result of seeing me, and even solitary people looked up. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to melt and saturate into the floor to escape that horrible feeling of being the freak.
Then, finally, we stopped at a cosmetic boutique. We entered the store, and I was awashed by expensive smells of perfume and body cream. Not suprisingly, the store was only occupied by only a few customers, excluding the saleswoman, who was walking towards our direction.
When she was only a couple feet away from my mom and I she glanced at my mother, and then at me, Her eyes immediately flinched at my sight and then it immediately went back to my mother. Then she asked, "Hello. How may I help you?"
My mom smiled with her pretty, pearly white smile and then replied, "Yes. Where can I find the foundation?"
The saleswoman pointed over to the left of the small boutique as she said, " It's right over there, Here, let me show you."
Then we followed her as she guided us, and I couldn't help but to look at her. She was the typical resident of Applegale, with a beautiful, heartshaped face ,occupied with prominent blue eyes and full, cherry lacqured lips, with silky, chestnut colored locks cascading down her back. Her body was also very thin and long, clad in a clean and crisp ralph lauren polo, khaki bermunda shorts, and her feet fitted perfectly in her wedges. I wouldn't be suprised if she used to be a supermodel.
Then we arrived there, to the shelf of countless foundation bottles, concealer, and face powder.
"Thank you so much for helping us.", My mother said
" No problem miss.", the saleswoman replied.
After a long period of time, my mother finally chose one bottle of foundation, that was my exact skin color, and a tube of concealer. Then we walked up to the counter as she paid for the items with the credit card. Then, we finally left.
An hour after I got home, I was sitting in my room, playing with dolls. Then my mother walked in and said to me, "Here is the product that will make you normal. Please wear it or your not going to fit in this society. As a matter of fact, I'm going to show you how to put it on right now."
So, without hesitation, I let her apply the foundation, eventhough in the inside, I was screaming, begging her to stop. I didn't want this oily stuff on my skin like a adult, I wanted to be a kid. However, on that day, I wasn't a kid anymore. And also , that day was the starting day of several years of trying to be the prototype of Applegale.
What do you honestly think about this story? I need feedback!?
Its a good start,
I would drop the common horror movie names, (Crystal lake for instance)
While many of your sentances are gramatically correct, they are heavily over worded
Example
"Then we followed her as she guided us, and I couldn't help but to look at her"
While technically correct, "we followed her" and "she guided us" mean the exact same thing,
"I couldn't help but to look at her," sounds off in a modern set story as its using a bit more old english.
Overusing words makes readers sick of them, and can feel like your reading english reports when the story has so much more potential.
Reply:I LOVE it! Is this the beginning of a long story or the ending of a short one?
Here are some things you might want to change:
Her world- it is too much like ours, not applesgate, but the rest. The supermodel, Ralf Lauren. This is a crazy mixed up town so the world should be different, too.
If this is the end of the story then I would change the ending sentence. It it isn't, you should create a catchy ending sentence for the chapter.
Here is my idea for the ending sentence of the CHAPTER:
After many years of hiding the real me, the face no one knew about, I was going to rebel. Somebody was going to have to show applesgate that no one is perfect, and we should celebrate it. And on one remarkable day, as I stared in the mirror, tears rolling down my face, I realized that somebody, was me.
And then in the next chapter you should tell about that day and what she does after.
But I really like it! It has great sentence flow and descriptiveness, I love it!
:-)
Reply:It is a perfect short story. Don't let anyone tell you different. To me it is whole and complete. You must have done a few drafts to get it this readable. And I think your ideas are very good. I like the world you have made in such a few number of words. It is very important for people to find a balance between what is right and wrong. I love the language you use. And I think you have secured a target audience. I hope you had fun creating it. It sure sounds like you had some fun. Please try to write some more stuff that interests you. Take care, a fellow writer.
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